I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
You Might Also Like
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I feel it
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
man i love columbo
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
that’s really how it is
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy