Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.