7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
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Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Love is always patient and kind.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”