Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Muppet Screams
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
No way!
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*