I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot