a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”