I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
You Might Also Like
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
accurate
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Spring of Deception
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need