I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
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Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
All generalizations are stupid.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy