me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
You Might Also Like
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far