Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
You Might Also Like
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Wednesday
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one