*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.