The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Come back with a warrant
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude