Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
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Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
there has never been a better use of this meme
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
This dude got his own movie?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST