I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
absolutely not
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.