Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.