The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
no their not
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
This guy gets it.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
It do be feeling this way.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.