This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
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Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Meow?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors