Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
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Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Cndnsd Mlk
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.