Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Has science gone too far?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.