WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Lube but for my dry humor.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*