Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Meth is short for Elizameth.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
hackers play passwordle
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.