*exercises sarcastically*
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
welp
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille