You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.