Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink