馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
High definition is like regular definition but it鈥檚 slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They鈥檙e serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.