Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
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Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Well, shit
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken