I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
You Might Also Like
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?