me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
You Might Also Like
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will