Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.