cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti