What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.