I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.