Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’