Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Danger is very dangerous
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected