Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Whoa 😂
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”