CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
You Might Also Like
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?