“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
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The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?