I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
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Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos