Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
My teenage children choosing violence
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.