Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what