I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*