Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.