kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”