Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Support your local cemetery
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I need to update my racial profile.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK