Ain’t no way
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The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.