“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around