me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store