I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
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You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Sending in my taxes
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here