*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
You Might Also Like
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”