The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Happy Febuary everyone!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?